Selfishness and Pride (part 2)

If selfishness is evident in my actions... then pride is the source of it in my heart.
I was taken on a little history lesson of my life that night.

I saw the girl that I had the privilege of leading to faith in Christ... who later turned her back on Him in favor of Wicca, then converted to Islam for awhile, and is still confused and fearful and lost. I saw that I had felt that I had failed her somehow.
I saw the girl that has been so hurt by people in church that she ran, was almost suicidal, and now distrusts Christ because of the behavior of some of His people. I saw that I took her hurt personally and once again believed that I had failed her, because I couldn't stop it from happening.
I saw the youth group that I lead for a couple of years that totally fell apart after my husband and I left that church. I realized that I felt guilty for it, even though I had God's promise that He would be taking care of those kids.

I didn't trust God. Part of me believed that the results were in my power to control and my responsibility. Part of me had the audacity to think that God needs my help, that if I mess up it will somehow destroy His plans. I felt that if I had only done this different or that different... maybe things would have turned out differently. I pulled back from ministry... out of fear that what happened in the lives of those kids might continue to happen to others. In reality, I was trying to protect my stupid ego, lest I should fail again and prove that I am not the hero and I can't save anyone. A couple of days ago, I didn't think that pride was an issue in my life, it turns out that it's the biggest issue of all. I thought that I was helping people out of love and compassion, but deep down there was a desire to be praised, to be the one who saved their lives. Gag me. How arrogant is that?!

To think that less than a week ago I actually lectured my little sister on not deceiving herself! Ha! I was more deceived than she ever was. I was totally blind to what was really in my heart.

Well, at least I am now aware of what's going on in me. No one can change what they do not acknowledge.

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Everytime I have heard this verse it has been in relation to guarding what we let in our hearts. What about guarding what comes out? I need to guard my heart like a fortress being guarded from invaders... but I also must guard my heart like a prison cell, keeping what is in there from hurting and destroying my life and others. God says that my heart is deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9), and He is right.