Selfishness and Pride (part 2)

If selfishness is evident in my actions... then pride is the source of it in my heart.
I was taken on a little history lesson of my life that night.

I saw the girl that I had the privilege of leading to faith in Christ... who later turned her back on Him in favor of Wicca, then converted to Islam for awhile, and is still confused and fearful and lost. I saw that I had felt that I had failed her somehow.
I saw the girl that has been so hurt by people in church that she ran, was almost suicidal, and now distrusts Christ because of the behavior of some of His people. I saw that I took her hurt personally and once again believed that I had failed her, because I couldn't stop it from happening.
I saw the youth group that I lead for a couple of years that totally fell apart after my husband and I left that church. I realized that I felt guilty for it, even though I had God's promise that He would be taking care of those kids.

I didn't trust God. Part of me believed that the results were in my power to control and my responsibility. Part of me had the audacity to think that God needs my help, that if I mess up it will somehow destroy His plans. I felt that if I had only done this different or that different... maybe things would have turned out differently. I pulled back from ministry... out of fear that what happened in the lives of those kids might continue to happen to others. In reality, I was trying to protect my stupid ego, lest I should fail again and prove that I am not the hero and I can't save anyone. A couple of days ago, I didn't think that pride was an issue in my life, it turns out that it's the biggest issue of all. I thought that I was helping people out of love and compassion, but deep down there was a desire to be praised, to be the one who saved their lives. Gag me. How arrogant is that?!

To think that less than a week ago I actually lectured my little sister on not deceiving herself! Ha! I was more deceived than she ever was. I was totally blind to what was really in my heart.

Well, at least I am now aware of what's going on in me. No one can change what they do not acknowledge.

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Everytime I have heard this verse it has been in relation to guarding what we let in our hearts. What about guarding what comes out? I need to guard my heart like a fortress being guarded from invaders... but I also must guard my heart like a prison cell, keeping what is in there from hurting and destroying my life and others. God says that my heart is deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9), and He is right.

Selfishness and Pride. (part 1)

(written April 23rd)
4 am... that's when I finally fell asleep last night. I had a bit of a revelation about myself. I am about a hundred times more selfish and prideful than I thought I was.

I think about myself way too much, and about others way too little. I'm naturally introverted and quiet, so it has been very easy to hide my selfishness behind a cloak of shyness... even from myself. I've isolated myself at times, ignored phone calls because I just couldn't be bothered to care about whoever it was on the other end of the line at that time. I pulled away from people to keep from getting too involved in their lives or them in mine. I procrastinated and procrastinated for about 4 months on something that was very important to a friendship. I retreated into my own little world when my husband needed me in his. And I have no idea when the last time I talked to my Granny was.

It seems that the times I have felt lonely are my own fault. If I am going to change this, it'll have to be on purpose. I'm gonna have to exercise some discipline, schedule it even, times to make phone calls and go visit people and get out of my little shell.

I'd like to send a big thank-you to all my friends and family who have been so wonderful to me. I don't deserve you, you are a blessing from God.

What if?

The following is a bunch of questions that I have asked myself in recent months that have led to a big change in the way I think and slowly changing the way I live. I present them to you to make you think.

What if Jesus meant exactly what He said?

Matthew 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

What if He was not speaking just metaphorically "poor"?

Luke 6:20-21 And turning His gaze on His disciples, He began to say, "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God."

What if He was serious?

Luke 12:33 "Sell your possessions and give to the poor..."

What if He was deadly serious?

Luke 14:33 "So therefore, no one of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions."

What if money is detestable to God, not just the love of it?

Luke 16:9, 14-15 "And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by means of the mammon of unrighteousness; for when it fails, they my receive you into the eternal dwellings." ... Now the Pharisees, who were lovers of money, were listening to all these things, and they were scoffing at Him. And He said to them, "You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is destestable in the sight of God."

What if the wealthy need our prayers, not our envy?

Luke 18:24-25 "How hard it is for those who are wealthy to enter the kingdom of God! For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

What if we must share in His poverty in this life?

Philippians3:10 "that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death..."

2 Corinthians 8:9 "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich."


What if making a profit from ministry resources is wrong?

1 Timothy6:5, 9 "... who suppose that godliness is a means of gain. ... But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction."

What if those who use all sorts of positive "faith" confessions are the ones Jesus was talking about?

Revelations 3:17-19 Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire, that you may become rich, and white garments, that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and eyesalve to anoint your eyes, that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent."


What if God's definition of true riches is totally opposite to the world's?

Revelation 2:9-10 "I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich), and the blasphemy by those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to cast some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life."

What if the truly rich are not those who have the most, but those who can be content with the least?

1 Timothy 6:8 "And if we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content."

As I stepped out of the shower this morning and started getting ready for my day, I was struck by this thought: to put clothes that reek of yesterday back onto my fresh clean body would be a grave disservice, both to my body and to the lovely strawberries-n'-cream scent that remained from my shower gel.

In the same way, when I've spent time with Jesus and asked Him to forgive me for something horrid I had done or said or thought, to just put back on the same old lifestyle and habits that got me in that mess in the first place would be an injustice to not only my own freshly washed spirit and soul, but also to the fragrance of Christ.

Instead of going back to old ways of thinking that smell like dirty socks, I should put on fresh thoughts and fresh ways of thinking that allow His sweet, light fragrance to shine through.

How do I do that? Thanks for asking!

I do that by letting God's Word change the way I think and act. Oh, I fail at that pretty much every day, but it's not about perfection, it's about progress. God's opinion needs to be more important to me than anyone else's, including my own. The lifestyle we are called to is one of obedience to God's Word... even when it hurts.

2 Corinthians 2:14-15 "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

Ephesians 4:22-24 "You were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

1 Peter 5:5b "All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'

Contentment

1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."

If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years, it is that life flies by far too fast. All of a sudden, I'm almost 30. I've heard it said that life is short my whole life, but not until now have I realized just how fast it can all fly by. I can hear my Dad saying, "You're only 29, you still have your whole life ahead of you!" And he's right, I am still young, yet this past decade has flown past so fast that my head is still spinning.

Just yesterday it seems, I was 20 years old, in Bible College, full of dreams and expectations for what my life would hold. So far, the only one of those dreams to come to pass is that I got married. Even marriage has not been what I expected.

I have been faced with a decision. To either accept my life and myself just the way I am, and be content and happy and make the most of it, or to wallow in dreams that never came to be and live disappointed, asking "why them and not me?"

Obviously, I chose the former, otherwise I would not be writing right now.

There are some preachers out there who say that to be content with where you are at and what you have in life is to allow your faith to stagnate and stop growing. I have heard some say exactly that. But I must disagree.

Often it takes far more courage and faith to live in the moment, with all its faults and failures, than it does to be constantly straining towards some unseen future. It takes courage to accept that God is in control, no matter what the daily circumstances look like. It takes courage to live through the hard times accepting those as God's will just as much as the blessings. It takes alot to let go of the reins and let God take care of the future and simply live this day to the best of my ability. In fact, without God's help, I can't do that at all. But godliness with contentment is great gain.

If the choice is between pursuing my dreams, even though I believe they were given by God, and living in and experiencing His presence here and now, I chose the presence of God. I will be content just to have the One I love near. I chose to lay those dreams at the foot of the cross, and should He give them back to me some day, that is up to Him, but I will seek only to know Him more and love Him fully.

When the mundane and the mediocre of the life I live right now, so so far from the dreams in my heart, threatened to choke all joy from my every day existence, I embrace them. It seems that they are the cross I am meant to carry for now. Although enduring mediocrity is not worthy of being compared to what Jesus went through for me, and so many have suffered so much more than I can imagine.

The question the Lord is asking me right now is this... "Am I really your heart's desire?"

So I refuse to focus on a future that may never be, and I seek to be content in this ordinary life. I seek to rely on my extraordinary God, with a supernatural faith and an awareness of His presence, so that even the most menial task can be an act of worship.

Even if the dream does not come true, and if my hopes never manifest themselves in everyday life, I will rejoice that my Lord is near, He never leaves me. His presence really is all I need.

My dreams consist of ministry, leading worship, writing books and songs, teaching a generation the ways of God... but it seems that for now, on my knees is the best place I can be. Prayer is the only "ministry" I am currently involved in... and it is a ministry that is open to any and every child of God.